“When is the relaunch?” my therapist asked.

I’d just told her that I was about to enter the dating scene again after an extended hiatus.

“Soon,” I told her. “I’m having some lady in Bangladesh fix up my profile pictures as we speak.”

“Oh yeah?” Shannon, my therapist, asked with a laugh.

“Yeah, just some light alterations. Remove a little bit of scarring in the pictures, and I have these damn forehead lines I’d like to have, not removed, but diminished.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, to have the pictures altered?”

“It’s just a touch-up job, nothing too dramatic.”

For the next fifteen minutes, until the end of our session, Shannon and I discussed my very limited dating history, goals with the relaunch, and body image issues, among other issues (I have a lot of issues).

New Profile, New Day

Over the previous few weeks, I’d been working on my profile and was pleased with the write-up I’d drafted overall. Here it is…

Robert

38

Straight Man

Last year I wrote my first book.

And went into seclusion for a while. 

So I’m rusty…

Something casual would probably be best, for now. 

I’m 5’11” and kind but not nice.

The grateful type

And I write songs. 

Happy to play one for ya.

Review from a Friend

“Smart, funny, easy to talk to, and not ugly, with pretty eyes and a voice like a detective from the 1940s.”

Two Truths and a Lie

So far, my six-foot-tall lesbian friend is the only person who’s read my book. I once puked on the actress Sigourney Weaver’s mother. I’ve seen Brokeback Mountain three times. 

My Aim with the Profile

I know I’m not for everyone (and not even for most people). And with my profile, I wanted to make sure I attracted the right type of women. In other words, I was only interested in dating someone who was a little different with a slightly off sense of humor. My approach was effective.

After the relaunch, I chatted with approximately ten women within the first two weeks (far more people than I’d ever chatted with on a dating app in such a short amount of time).

Some of them were quite nice and attractive. I had some phone conversations as well and went on one date (to be discussed later).

Granted, most of the women “in my league” on the apps (Tinder and Bumble, in this case) seemed to be a little older, a little . . . bigger, or both. Not that there’s anything wrong with being older or bigger.

The dating apps are, as everyone knows, absurd and completely geared toward women. There are like four dudes for every one woman on Tinder, for example.

So the ladies get to take their pick among dudes with six-packs and six-figure jobs. For us guys—most of us anyway—we have to kind of take what we can get…

Why My Prospects Improved

I found the whole thing a little baffling. Why was I generating more interest at age 38 on these apps than I had when I was younger and better looking? In a discussion with Shannon, I reflected on the potential reasons for my newfound demand on the dating scene.

“I think it’s because so many people in my age group look like shit,” I said. “I look about the same now as I did 10 years ago. And once a lot of guys hit middle age, they promptly lose their hair and gain dad bods. Not that there’s anything wrong with bald guys who have dad bods. Many of those guys are married and dads, after all, so they can let themselves go and it doesn’t matter. I mean, it should matter, but you know what I mean.”

Exposure Therapy via Dating Apps – Closing Thoughts

With the end of our session approaching, I wrapped up my monologue on dating and dad bods and aging, then thanked Shannon for her time and for listening to me complain, as always. I had two dates scheduled for the upcoming weekend, and I was hopeful at least one of them might yield a favorable outcome. And you can probably guess what that means…

Just kidding.

I’m a slow charmer and not good looking or cool enough for most women to consider as a potential hook-up option. The courting process is typically long and arduous for me. I have to earn it, always, and sometimes I hate my life as a result. Good thing I’m in therapy, right?

Next: Therapy Journal 8 – “Five Breakthrough Moments”

Previous: Therapy Journal 6 – “Exposure Therapy and a Panic Attack”

Go to the Beginning: Journal 1 – “Broke, Miserable, and Alone”