Over the next month, after firing Dr. Samuelson and replacing her with Dr. Gillis, I had two productive (and two not-so-productive) sessions with Shannon, my primary therapist.

There was still a lot of dead space during our meetings.

And that dead space made me uncomfortable.

I would typically talk for the first 10 to 15 minutes, then she’d ask me a few questions. Or not…

Then I’d just keep talking.

She seldom interjected with anecdotes about people she knew or former patients that might have been relevant or useful to me. And I knew absolutely nothing about her, her background, or her beliefs.

Actually, that’s a lie. I looked her up online and found her professional profile, which stated that she offered Christian counseling to people of faith.

If I’d have seen that profile prior to our first session, I would have swiped left on Shannon as a therapist—not because I have anything against religious people, but because, well, I’d prefer to have a therapist who believes in the separation of church and therapy.

But I’d been making progress with Shannon’s help, and I was committed to improving myself, personally and professionally. Shannon seemed engaged and professional and very…nice. I wasn’t going to hold her religious background/philosophies against her.

And she asked enough thoughtful questions to keep our sessions from stalling out completely (most of the time). In fact, Shannon’s relative silence during our weekly meetings led to my first important discovery in therapy.

Breakthrough 1 – “You Need to Talk”

That was a quote from Shannon toward the end of our second session. I’d just recounted a story about a character in my book, Love Songs and Suicide, and told her about the friend I’d lost in the aftermath of my breakdown, which I discussed in my first therapy post.

 

 

Shannon was absolutely right.

I really had no one I felt comfortable sharing my innermost feelings and thoughts with.

And although she was quiet and not the type of person I would’ve been likely to befriend or associate with in the real world, Shannon seemed to care about me in her own way, and I think she wanted to see me get better.

It was helpful to explore my past, feelings, and beliefs in therapy, with Sharron serving as my quiet but compassionate guide/sounding board. By the end of our sessions, just through talking, I often gained helpful insights on my own psyche and determined what tasks I needed to prioritize that week. With an assist from Shannon, I had another breakthrough moment during my third therapy session.

Breakthrough 2 — Stop focusing so Much on Diagnoses

Early on in therapy, I spent a lot of time fixating on my potential malfunctions.

I knew I had depression and social anxiety disorder.

But there were other malfunctions, and I felt as though I was missing some critical component in my mental health profile.

Was I bipolar?

Probably, at least mildly.

I had a chapter called “The Bipolar Express” in my book, after all.

Did I have borderline personality disorder?

Ultimately, I concluded that Dr. Samuelson, my fired shrink, was correct in her analysis that I did not suffer from BPD.

But was there some other disorder I was missing…

And maybe that disorder wasn’t so important.

Rather than focusing on what was wrong with me, I needed to focus more on improving myself.

 

Breakthrough 3 — Stop Labeling Thyself

The Danish philosopher (and first existentialist) Soren Kierkegaard once said, “Once you label me, you negate me.”

Broke, miserable, and alone was a refrain I uttered frequently during my first handful of meetings with Shannon.

I’d assigned those horrible labels to myself and believed they defined me in a way. As a result, I lost my sense of self-control and ability to determine my own fate.

Although I was indeed broke, miserable, and alone, I had to stop fixating on these three words and view them as temporary conditions rather than essential components of my identity.

Breakthrough 4 — Anxiety Comes Before Depression

Depression had always been a bigger issue for me on a day-to-day basis than anxiety.

But my psychiatrist, Dr. Gillis, was correct when she said anxiety was the driving force behind my mental health struggles.

And knowledge is power. With that information, and with Dr. Gillis’s help, I could more effectively manage both my depression and anxiety. Dr. Gillis and I agreed that from a medication standpoint, we should focus more on the anxiety than the depression.

I had the two antianxiety treatments available to me—buspirone and hydroxyzine—and my anxiety symptoms had improved since beginning therapy.

Breakthrough 5 — I Need to Expand My Two-Inch-Wide Comfort Zone

Okay, for over 20 years, I’ve known on some level that I needed to expand my minuscule comfort zone.

But when Shannon challenged me to start conversations with two strangers and I practically had a panic attack, I realized my social anxiety had a controlling and devastating effect on nearly every aspect of my life.

To manage the condition, I needed to intentionally place myself in uncomfortable situations—and often.

The good news is, basically everything makes me uncomfortable. I despise talking with strangers, interacting with people on social media, chatting up women on dating apps, phone calls, asking for help, and on and on and on. But moving forward, I had to regularly expose myself to uncomfortable situations and discussions if I wanted to grow as a person and eventually have a wife or a chef (as was a goal I stated in my book).

Wellbutrin Was a No-Go and Closing Thoughts

Unfortunately, I had an embarrassing side effect with the Wellbutrin and had to stop using the medication. I don’t feel like discussing that side effect here. Maybe later.

The therapy has been beneficial for me so far, and I’m grateful to both Shannon and Dr. Gillis for their insights and support.

Of course, I think I deserve a little credit too. I’m ready and willing to change (I know I need to change, in fact) and I think that’s probably the main reason I’ve enjoyed some successes during this early stage of therapy. Hopefully I can continue to grow and make progress over the coming weeks and months, with help from my dedicated team of mental health professionals.

Next: Therapy Journal 9 – “Two Cancelled Sessions (and the Sad Reason Why)

Previous: Therapy Journal 7 – “All About Dating”

Go to the Beginning: Journal 1 – “Broke, Miserable, and Alone”