“I had a dream the other night that I went on a date with a guy,” I told my psychiatrist. “What do you think you that means?”

Dr. Gillis laughed. “I don’t know,” she replied. “What do you think it means?”

“I think the dream was a manifestation of a fear. I’m worried that maybe one day I’ll get so desperate and lonely, I might decide to make a dramatic lifestyle modification. I mean, I wouldn’t, but I guess you never know. He was a larger gentleman. The date ended with a kiss. I did not enjoy the kiss.”

Dr. Gillis laughed again. 

“What’s your analysis?” I asked. “You psychiatrists are big into dreams, aren’t you?”

“No, maybe if this were 1940 and I were a Freudian psychiatrist–”

“You’re not big on Freud?”

“Not really, no.”

“Interesting. Carl Jung?”

“I do like Carl Jung.”

“I quoted Carl Jung in my book. He once said, ‘People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own soul.”

“That’s a good quote.” 

Dr. Gillis has shown little interest in reading my book thus far, which is fine, as she is primarily my medication manager. Accordingly, our conversation shifted gears to a new topic: antidepressants.

“I’m used to being miserable,” I told her. “I feel as though I can handle the depression.”

“That sounds delightful,” Dr. Gillis replied sarcastically. 

“It’s not optimal, but the buspirone helps a lot,” I said, referencing the anxiety medication she’d prescribed to me a few weeks earlier. “Because as we concluded in a previous session, anxiety is the primary driver of my mental health struggles. When the anxiety is under control, or even partially under control, my depression symptoms automatically become more manageable.”

Dr. Gillis expressed her relief that the buspirone had been working for me, then encouraged me to try a different formulation of Wellbutrin–Wellbutrin SL, or sustained release.

I’d had an embarrassing side effect while using Wellbutrin XL, the most commonly prescribed variation of the medication. And I wasn’t willing to try another antidepressant that might cause weight gain (and pretty much every other antidepressant, aside from Wellbutrin, can potentially cause weight gain). 

“I’ll give it a try,” I told Dr. Gillis. “I’m pretty sure I’ll have the side effect again.”

“It’s very possible, but you can always stop it again if you do.”

“Right.”

“We’ll follow up in two weeks.”

“Sounds good. I appreciate your help.”

 

Next: Therapy Journal 14 – “This Blog Is a Byproduct of Mental Illness”

Previous: Therapy Journal 12 – “What My New Therapist Said About My Book (Yes, He Read It!)” 

Go to the Beginning: Journal 1 – “Broke, Miserable, and Alone”